A long time ago, when I was about nine or ten years old, I had a gigantic hamster named Caramel. He'd been a class pet, but we bonded so I got to take him home. Much like Jack, he had one eye - the other was some kinda messed-up raisiny looking thing. My mother worried about that, so we put him in a little container and took him to the vet we took ( Read more... )

A few days ago, Riley was playing with her big beef bone. It's a thing I picked up at the grocery store, all nasty with smoked jerkylike bits of meat trailing off the end like sticky savory streamers, a bit thicker around than my wrist. She loves to play with it, and by "play with it" what I mean is that she [BANG] picks it up and drops it, [BANG] ( Read more... )

Yesterday a friendly and smiling and Hello Ma'am-ing cop showed up at my door to inform me that the house next door had been broken into. "They lost a coupla tvs," he told me. "Didja hear anything?"

(I've noticed, lately, that I'm getting a lot of "Ma'am" from people. I am not sure how I feel about this. I'm not yet old enough to really enjoy my ( Read more... )

"Oh, she says, well, you're not a poor man. You know, why don't you go online and buy a hundred envelopes and put them in the closet? And so I pretend not to hear her. And go out to get an envelope because I'm going to have a hell of a good time in the process of buying one envelope. I meet a lot of people. And, see some great looking babes. And a ( Read more... )

Got a call the other day at 8:30 in the morning. I was still pre-coffee, so the chances of me handling anything gracefully were slim. But the call was a problem because it started like this.

Unidentified Man: "Holaaaaa!"There are a couple of people I know who speak Spanish quite fluently and would automatically use it to say hi, even though they ( Read more... )

Yesterday Riley and I went to the new place to clean the refrigerator. Well. I went to clean the refrigerator. Riley went for moral support and also to play with her softball. I try not to give myself too many things to do at once when I'm hurt****, and cleaning and reassembling a refrigerator (from a closed box with a pile of dead shelves at ( Read more... )

Y'all would not BELIEVE the week I have had. Hospitals, a wedding, dog-sitting, controlled substances, mistaken identity, asking for time machines, being repeatedly frightened by David Duchovny, mistaking Marlon Brando for Obi-Wan Kenobi, and a pet rock to call my own (and/or wind a piece of string around ( Read more... )

A moment of hilarity from yesterday ( Read more... )

I shall now tell you the saga of my busted key, because it was the cherry on the whipped cream on the pie of hilarious WTF that has been the past few days of my life ( Read more... )

We're so used to the drought conditions that when things act normal - like they have the past week, for certain damp definitions of 'normal' - we don't know what to do anymore. I don't, and judging by the appalling amount of people who did not turn their headlights on in a storm, neither does most of this city.


( Read more... )